OMG

Just realised that this blog still exists.

Yikes.

I have been too tardy.

Shall start posting  since it is now a whole new life.

Well sorta kinda, according to the docs.

I need to drink.

Brr.

Kephren Is Quite A Null At Being A Public Class.

Today was pretty much a comedy of errors for me and after having a retrospection of sorts, I realized that I am not much of a good individual after all.

Here’s ten reasons why I, Kephren Ayanari, am not a good person.

1. I cheat. Well mainly of me not paying the correct bus fare for almost two years. As I still had my bus pass with me from my Junior College days and considering that it was still legal for me to use, I decided to take the liberty to continuously use it. I mean I would be still using it if I was in Temasek Academy. So using that theory, I happily used it until a sharp-eyed bus driver confiscated it today. And as of that moment, I was no longer the individual with that blue pass. I was an adult! Well more of, was forced to be one, anyway. Pfft.
2. I lie. This happened after the above-mentioned incident happened today. I guess I should not pull the ‘I got retained in secondary school’ trick with an unshaven face.
3. I am lazy. I procrastinate a lot and sleep when I am supposed to be studying and study when I am supposed to be sleeping. But considering that I subscribe to the notion of sleeping much, I pretty much study only for 2 hours on school days. The remaining six hours are spent on FaceBook.
4. I get angry and yell easily. Well not counting the number of tiffs with my folks, I believe I have, at the very least, yelled at 18 people within the last 14 days. Sometimes they are for good reasons, like getting a friend to come to school and not ruin her future by not attending lessons. But sometimes they are for quite dumb reasons, like someone disturbing me while I am eating my ice-cream. A man needs his space when he is eating his ice-cream, people.
5. I get jealous, very easily. Anyone who is remotely good-looking, smart, rich, has a relationship, popular, famous, or even has taken part in a reality TV show, beware. One look at you, and my eye turns green with envy. Well this one, I am trying to work out a cure as I realized that this boils down to low self-esteem and yes, Kephren Ayanari, has low self-esteem at times.
6. I take advantage of people. Well, this one varies from person to person and I do feel bad after realizing that I inadvertently had taken advantage of that certain person. The most severe of this occurrence was when I took advantage of someone’s love. I guess this bit me back hard and I am still trying to lose the emotional baggage from this incident. That is why I have to work on this as soon as possible before I hurt someone else.
7. I do not value what I have. You name it, anything from materialistic items like money and gadgets to emotional stuff like love, family and friends, I tend to not value them as much as I should. This somehow goes back to point 5, except that when I lose them, I whine and complain about why I do not have them in the first place. Now, I am starting to make amends with my parents. It is a slow and gradual process, but hopefully I will not be this way when I am attached to a partner who I will spend the rest of my life with. *Crosses fingers*
8. I easily get vain and tend to flaunt. Well this one is pretty ironic considering I mentioned that i have low self esteem at times. But on a good hair day or even a good day of good exam results, expect an annoying big-headed Kephren. The kind where you want to slap and ask the person to shut up.
9. I get pushy and expect things to go my way. This one is something that my former and current group members can testify greatly to it. I mean why change something that works well for you. I got this weird notion that once things go out of my control, it will end up bad like a catastrophe of immense proportions. And experience has proven that it has ended up that way. But also when I take a step back, others end up scolding me for not taking a more leading role in the task. So therefore to avoid any complications, I just take a more active role, which mostly end up in me not being able to listen to others’ opinions and managing to anger the entire group. But with the new school and a new life, I am beginning to take the opinions of others seriously. But once in a while, the annoying leader brat in me gets out of the cage.
10. Finally I get possessive. Again this seems to be quite contradicting considering my point 7, of me not valuing what I have. But when I really like something or someone so much that it becomes quite a deranged form of love, I start to dislike people meddling with the person or item. With people, it sometimes becomes a sort of dominance and control, which somehow leads to point 5, of me getting jealous.

So there you have it, this is why I am really not a good person after all. It is kind of funny though that I managed to come up with a list of ten bad things as compared to a list of ten good things about myself. I seriously have to go for some psychiatric treatment.

Kephren Realises He Cannot Say No.

Yesterday, I decided to skip any and basically every activity that has to do with studies and have a relaxed day out with friends. Unfortunately the schedule became quite packed ironically as I inadvertently agreed to almost every ‘date’ of sorts with different groups of people. So what was supposed to be a day that I can just slack and relax, became a day of misadventures. But considering how my life has been, I guess it was like any other day of my life.

So I was not thinking too much about the intensity of my schedule until I was innocently eating my Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the rain with a couple of my friends. I do not want to go into specifics why I was eating ice cream in the rain, but it went along with the lines of Andrew’s ideology that if you get wet in the rain, eat more ice cream because you will still get sick anyway. So yeah… Well back to the story, Wei Ling gave me a quizzical look twice while I was eating the ice cream. At the third instance of her looking at me, I started rubbing my nose cause I have had bad experiences of getting ice-cream on my nose (A disadvantage of having a big nose).

“Kephren, why do you always say yes to everything?”

I looked up from my ice-cream and gave her the quizzical look. I am the kind of guy who believes in the old adage that men need their space and quietness to eat their ice cream. So I was not too pleased in the least about the interruption.

“Nah, I did not mean in any way to offend you. I was just curious about it.”

At this point of time, Andrew and his girlfriend (Bless her soul but I have forgotten her name) and Ben (not of the Ben & Jerry’s fame, even though he claims to have a best friend called Jerry) looked up and gave us the quizzical looks. It was as if the whole Fort Canning went quiet and was on the set of The Happening.

Considering what happened in that movie, I decided to break the silence and open my mouth. The words were supposed to go along the lines of me not understanding what her question was about. But with a mouthful of Peanut Butter Cookie Dough in your mouth and a brain of a blond bimbo, the words were almost very caveman-like.

“I mean, you have so much plans today and you agreed to go out with almost five different groups of people within 24 hours. It is not just this instance. Even like your social work, you used to agree to almost every single project that comes your way. You got to prioritize and say no once in a while. Or else you are going to be so stressed up and pulled apart in different directions and people will take advantage of you.”

I was about to correct her on one point, that it was not five groups, but six, as I had just confirmed a Survivor sleepover with Yukai. Then I decided against it for my sake of survival. So I took the easy way out by again opening my mouth and stating that she is right in saying that I have to prioritize and that I have already have started doing so, like when she mentioned about my ‘social’ work. But again, Peanut Butter Cookie Dough & bimbo-tic brains do not go well together and caveman-words popped out.

After that, the day did not go that well, not mainly because of the exchange of words but because of the dratted drizzle and crazy amount of people around the city area (It was as if the whole of Singapore, except for my family, descended upon Orchard Road). But as the day went by, I was thinking about it. I was trying to find out the answer why I was so obliging. The answer did not materialize while I was freezing in the cinema hall at Cineleisure. It did not materialize while I was figuring out which end of the chopsticks I should use to eat at Heeren. It definitely did not materialize when I was bawling my eyes out watching the family reunion on Survivor Gabon and fantasizing about eating chicken wings with Yukai.

However, as I was on my way home today, on bus number 25, from spending the day with Yukai’s parents and playing ‘Patapon’ (Random, I know), I saw this old couple sitting in the bus holding hands and smiling as if they had no other care in the world. Then I saw a family with the father tickling the child till no end. Beside them, I saw this group of friends laughing at some insane show on TV Mobile and within that group, a young couple holding hands. It was at this moment with the sunshine shining on my face that I was enlightened with the answer (Yes, I am pretty emo now, thus the enslaught of cliches).

I realized that I was afraid of being lonely. I agree so that I know that I have done something and caused an impact on that certain somebody. I oblige because I do not want to upset anyone and cause a snowball effect that people do not want to regard me as a significant individual in their lives. I willingly do not mind sacrificing my relaxation time so that I am able to be a listening ear to anyone who needs me so that the person can feel happy and not feel lonely like how I do. Even the thought of my folks passing away, makes me shiver at the thought that I may be lonely till my death bed.

I am only human and I want to make my life more interesting than the average ‘normal’.

So if you can guarantee me that I will never have the possibility of being lonely and bored with my life when I grow older, then only will I say ‘No’.

Till then, I shall stick to being a Yes-Man, but not as crazy as Jim Carrey or Danny Wallace. Korean sounds pretty hard to learn.